False Profits
by sublimerocker
Summary: A discovery is made well before the Third Great War that sends a shockwave through the elemental lands, shifting the ebb and flow of events. A tyrant in the shadows is orchestrating the cacophony, and the Jinchurikki's prophecy rings true. Major AU.


** I've had this plot bunny bouncing around in my head for a while now. I have always wanted to write some Naruto fanfiction involving firearms. I've read a few, like Eroslackermicha's Hitman for Hire(great read btw). I was also really inspired by Inglorious Basterds(I saw it five times), and I may draw some elements from the movie. The timeline is a little difficult to explains, hopefully this chapter does it well enough. And this fic is a definite AU. Please review, let me know if I should continue with this fic.**

** I don't own Naruto, Inglorious Basterds, or another work I may reference.**

**Prologue**

_Outskirts of Iwakagure_

_Earth Country_

_10 Years before the 3__rd__ Great War_

Yamamoto Iwao yawned as scanned the rocky horizon. _'Not a damn thing to defend Iwa from. Shocker' _he thought to himself. The daily grind for a chuunin in peace-time could be mind numbing, but this was unbearable. Iwao sighed "I'd kill for a little action. If I get assigned another fuckin' patrol mission I'll march up to that old man and…" Iwao paused and stomped the ground next to a sizeable flat rock, sending it hurtling down the mountainside. A seemingly bottomless hole appeared where the rock had been. "What the hell?" Iwao said as he peered into the inky darkness. A rusty metal ladder clung to the stone wall. He reached into his pack and produced a flare. The chakra infused tube sparked to life. Iwao tossed the flare into the manhole, and watched it disappear into the abyss. _'Backup is definitely called for.'_

The two Jonin and two Chuunin Iwao managed to track down marveled at what he had discovered.

"I've never even heard of a justu that could do this. And to move all this earth by hand, it would take months. Is this on record anywhere in the village Iwao?" The eldest Jonin asked.

"No sir. I went to the archives as soon as I got back into town. There is not a single record of an access shaft this far from the border-wall."

"Sir? I don't mean to step out of line but, what's the big deal? Does a hole in the ground really necessitate all five of us?" A blonde dark haired kunoichi interjected."

"I agree. I think all those patrols have made you a little stir crazy Iwao." The other Chunnin teased.

"Shut up Keiji! I was just going to seal it back up, but when I found this" he motioned to the stone covering "See for yourselves…" The underside of the rock was an array of intricate designs and scripts. The center was a symbol made up of eight equal lines.

"What are they? Seals?" Keiji asked.

"It's not in any dialect I know of. But that symbol, I've seen something like it before." 

"Where?" The four other shinobi chorused.

"A dead Hyuuga's forehead…"

_Offices of the Sandaime Hokage_

_Konohakagure no Sato_

_Land of Fire_

Pungent tobacco smoke wafted from the open windows overlooking Konoha. "Sensei? I've been reading up on history lately." Jiraiya sheepishly began. The Sandaime couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

"History of what? Bathhouses and bars?" Hiruzen questioned his student.

"The origins of humanity." Jiraya flatly replied. "I was hoping that a better knowledge of our past would give me a deeper understanding of Fuuinjustu. I've read that sealing was created before even the most rudimentary forms of taijustu and ninjustu. But the scrolls at the library only go back to the Rikudou Sennin. Nothing goes much farther beyond that." The Sandaime nodded, stood, and motioned to a map of the world hanging on the wall.

"I have spent more time than I care to admit buried in my research. It's what has earned me the title of The Professor among the five great nations. The world is far older than most people believe. Eons ago, it was a terrible, harsh place. War was waged on a scale that is unimaginable by our standards. These warring factions were two great military powers that dominated entire continents. Each side constructed terrible machines and weapons more powerful than any blade, seal, or justu." Hiruzen lectured. Jiraya shook his head in disbelief.

"How do you know all of this sensei? I mean I know your old, but god almighty." Jiraiya interjected. The Sandaime gave him a disdainful glare.

"The wars continued, each side building bigger and more powerful war machines. Until finally, one day the battles stopped."

"A peace treaty?" Jiraiya surmised.

"Not quite. The final exchange between the factions. Weapons of mass destruction more powerful than even the Biju were implemented against the opposing side. From what I have been able to translate, these 'bombs' vaporized everything for miles in every direction. And the after-effects were…gruesome to say the least." Hiruzen said solemnly. Jiraiya stared at his teacher dumbfounded. "The world was a cold, barren place after the war ended. The few surviving remnants of humanity banded together, and so the world as we know it began. What intrigued me most was how we learned to manipulate chakra. Some of the ancient texts I've deciphered describe mutations from the fallout of the great weapons. These changes in us allowed the development of chakra systems, and in a sense our entire way of life today." The Hokage said.

"I…How?...Thanks for the lecture sensei. I think I'm gonna go bug Tsunade or the snake bastard for awhile." Jiraya said as he climbed through the window. "Try not to let that paperwork get to you!" The Sandaime sighed and took a drag on his favorite pipe, and gasped at the crack forming in the ivory.

_'An omen?' _Hiruzen worriedly thought to himself.

Iwao coughed as he inhaled the stagnant air of the bunker he had un-earthed. A torch flickered in his hand as he inched his way down the tunnel. The manhole apparently did have a bottom. His comrades followed closely behind him as he inched farther and farther into the stony hideaway. Suddenly the passage widened and a large circular room came into view.

"What is this place?" The kunoichi asked her male companions. She ran her fingers along a carving in the wall. It was the same symbol etched into the rock covering the shaft. She hefted her torch higher and was greeted with the grinning visage of a human skull. "AHH!" The other Iwa shinobi spun and trotted over.

"What in the hell is the matter with you Hitom…" The senior Jonin stopped mid sentence. The skeletal figure was sprawled out in rectangular relief in the rock. Twelve identical bunks extended down the wall, some complete with skeletal figures.

"Are we in some ancient catacomb?" Iwao thought out loud.

"Not a catacomb. Look over there." Hitomi said. She pointed to a stone table around which three skeletons sat slumped over. Keiji held his torch so that it illuminated the table. A dull brown cylinder glinted in the light.

"What the hell is that thing?" Keiji questioned. The captain walked over and carefully picked up the relic. The tarnished metal glinted softly in the torchlight, the wooden handle had petrified to near stone over the years. The words LUGER were barley visible underneath years of rust.

"I don't know. Saito, you see those metal boxes over there?" The captain asked the other Jonin.

"Yes sir?" 

"Open them." The younger Jonin nodded and kicked the decrepit locks off one of the metal trunks. With a creak the containers sprung open, revealing twenty artifacts identical to the one on the table. Text and diagrams in the same unknown script were etched into the top part of the case. Each person present marveled at Iwao's discovery. In the second 

"Hey everyone, get a load of this!" Keiji shouted. The five torches illuminated the wall were he stood. Stacked behind him were containers identical to the one near the table. A doorway hollowed from the rock lead to another dark vaulted chamber. The senior jonin hefted his torch higher. Everyone present nearly dropped theirs.

"Keiji, Hitomi, get those boxes open. Iwao, I want you to go get the Tsuchikage. He needs to see this."

"Does anyone else know of this place?" The Tsuchikage asked his five subordinates. The senior Jonin shook his head.

"No Sandaime-sama. Just the five of us." Their middle aged leader played with his graying beard.

"This place is a enigma, even to me. These artifacts aren't found in any of our records. Furthermore…I don't recognize any of these symbols or the language scrawled across these…" the Tsuchikage motioned to the trunks "things. It deeply troubles me, that this place went un-noticed in such close proximity to the village." The Tsuchikage explained. Iwao stepped forward.

"Sir…this isn't everything we've discovered so far." Iwao said as me turned to the doorway. Inside, boxes identical to the ones in the main room sat stacked atop one another. In the center another rotten skeleton lay on the cold floor. A rusty katana was embedded in his spine. Keiji held out a crumbling tome to the Tsuchikage.

"We found this with him. The language isn't like the other books and engravings in there." Keiji said. "It looks like Kanji. We can even make out a few phrases on the back cover". The Tsuchikage pointed to the boxes.

"Have you found out what is in those?"

"No Tsuchikage-sama. Iwao, Keiji." The Senior Jonin commanded. The Tsuchikage turned to Hitomi.

"Hitmoi-chan, would you please go to the research and development department and tell them to report here immediately on my orders. Inform the higher ups that a massive relocation of their facilities will commence immedialty., This bunker will be there base of operations indefinitely until I say otherwise."

"Hai, Tsuchikage-sama." Hitmoi replied. She bowed and then melted into the earth below her. The senior jonin cleared his throat.

"Sir? With all due respect, what good do you believe diverting all of our R and D resources into these dusty ruins will yield?" The man inquired.

"All we be clear in good time my boy…answer me this. What would you say these people were doing down here when they died?" The Tsuchikage asked.

"I don't know sir. I was under the impression most of them were dead before they were brought down here." The Jonin replied.

"If this place was indeed a catacomb, these people would not have made only one way in and out, in the event of a cave in or something similar. Whoever built this place intended to ride out the apocalypse inside it. Looks like it worked." The Tsuchikage motioned at the skeletons. "Secondly, what do you notice about the bodies?" The jonin shrugged and looked around the room.

"If my forensics training serves me, their all men. Young one's at that, except for the three at the table."

"Exactly. I myself have a bunker similar to this one underneath the village. These men were the last remnant of some long forgotten army. And judging from these relics and their language, these men have been here a long time." The Tsuchikage continued.

"Sir, you still haven't answered my question." The captain asked again.

"Like I said, all will be clear in good time…" The Tsuchikage intoned.

1 year passes

A short, balding man led the Tsuchikage through a thick metal door. They continued down a roughly built stairway and into a short hallway. Suddenly the pair were engulfed by shining florescent light and the scratching of pen on paper.

"As you can see Sandaime-sama, we have made great strides over these past few months. We just recently finished translating their alphabet into our own. The department you see here is translating the books and carvings discovered in the other rooms of the bunker." The short man explained. He picked up a scroll and handed it to the Tsuchikage. "This is a report compiling what we've been able to uncover about their culture, as well as a journal kept by one of the officers. There is also what appears to be a manifesto, or philosophical outline written by their leader sir." The bald man said. The Tsuchikage nodded and skimmed the report.

"And what headway has been made on the…other project I assigned?" The Tsuchikage asked dryly. The bald man flinched slightly.

"The translated manuals revealed some interesting things about the artifacts. None of them were operational, but the diagrams of individual parts have made recreating them much easier. However, their have been some…minor setbacks". The man explained. The Tsuchikage stiffened.

"Please elaborate on these _setbacks_ director." The Tsuchikage said calmly. The R&D head gulped before pointing at a chart nearby.

"The time I originally quoted our research to be completed in is proving to be unrealistic. At the very least the project requires another five years, minimum." The balding man replied. The Tsuchikage's hand twitched for a moment before picking up the report.

"Very well. You have five years to produce working weapons for the new regiments. Failure to meet this quota would be…unwise. Have a pleasant day director." The Tsuchikage said flatly. He picked up the report and shuffled out of the bunker, leaving the director visibly shaken. The researchers had paused their work to listen in on the conversation.

"What are you all gawking at? Get back to work!" The director howled. The murmurs were quickly replaced by the sound of pens scratching against paper.

The dark, cloudy sky above Iwakagure flashed brightly with lighting for a split-second, illuminating the village below the Tsuchikage's tower. Ryoutenbin no Oonoki had been in power almost as long as Konoha's Sandaime Hokage, but even he had never come across a leader like this. According to the report, the men found in the bunker were assigned with one directive; to ensure the survival of their culture from 'Armageddon'. And they had done so very well. They had stockpiled information about their country, history, and what their leader had termed the 'final solution'. The Tsuchikage marveled at how well controlled this empire had been. He turned his gaze to a map of the elemental countries. Water country caught his gaze momentarily. _'Water...what about water country reminds me of this man? Hmm…of course! The kekkei-genkai purges!_. The Tsuchikage snapped his fingers, summoning one of his ANBU. A bear masked guard silently appeared next to the Tsuchikage.

"What do you require my lord?" The ANBU asked mechanically.

"Alert the council. I am calling an emergency meeting to draft a treaty and discuss…policy changes in the governing of this village. Dismissed." The Tsuchikage commanded. The ANBU nodded and sunshined away.

_Five years pass_

_Unknown mountain range_

Roshi let out a long sigh, nearly melting the rocky path he was walking.

"Watch it Roshi, you almost melted a hole in the switchback" Han snapped. His anger was well founded, the two Iwa Jinchurikki hadn't spoken in nearly a decade. The containers valued their solitude and freedom more than anything for the most part.

"Calm down Han, and quit givin' me that look! I wouldn't have contacted you if this…I can't even describe it. C'mon, they should be visible from that ridge." Roshi replied. Han's steam powered armor erupted in a cloud of white hot vapor.

"Damn monkey…" Han muttered under his breath. The duo continued to climb, reaching the summit five minutes later. Han's eyes bulged out of his head when the sight was laid out before him. Every division of both Iwakagure and Kirikagure stood at attention, the Kage's presiding over them from a raised platform. Each solider was clad in dark gray fatigues, a metal helmet, and backpacks. The officers gleamed in their shining leather trench coats, their golden mauser's holstered, and the skull and crossbones on the center of their hats. Each solider carried a long, metal and wood instrument with a long blade attached at one end. Han's mouth was agape.

"We've been gone far too long Roshi…what is going on?" Han questioned. Roshi stroked his beard and motioned at the Tsuchikage.

"From what I've been able to gather, it's got something to do with the kages. It started with the Tsuchikage. A few years back, some chunin on border patrol stumbled across something he shouldn't have. Ever since then the Tsuchikage has been radically altering village policy and procedure." Roshi began. He summoned some magma from beneath his feet, pushing and pulling until the molten mass resembled one of the weapons slung from the officers belt's below. "This is just one of the things he indirectly discovered. They call them firearms. It's like a cannon that you can hold in your hand…and they are particularly effective at enforcing this new regime. The longer looking ones are rifles, and you don't even want to know about what the scientists and metallurgist's are building in the bunker."

"What are his plans?"

"The Tsuchikage is trying to form an alliance with a nearby hidden village, preferably with one that will be cohesive when the old mountain goat unveils his true motive." 

"And that would be?" Han said impatiently. Roshi exhaled, steam flying from his nose. The Yonbi Jinchurikki pulled a scrap of paper from his belt.

"…the final solution will be our nation's salvation! It is the duty of every citizen of the earth empire to assist in the cleansing of this land. Every kekkei genkai, deformity, inferior person and Jinchuriki must be exercised and swept away! The blood of our enemies will baptize these elemental lands and the resulting mudslide will raze those who oppose us to the ground. And from the ashes…a new Eden shall arise!" Roshi read. He handed the paper to Han and pointed towards Mizu no Kuni.

"I think it's time we spoke with Yagura…" Han said, sounding almost cautious. Roshi straightened his back and chuckled nervously.

"I never thought the old turtle's ramblings would ever make sense but…I thought the same thing when I read that. We need to see her, and we need to start finding the rest of them. The rest of us!" Roshi replied.

"You can't be serious? I'll level with you Roshi, if there ever was a reason to gather our kind this would be it. But bringing in those kids so early isn't part of this!"

"I didn't mean we were going to indoctrinate a bunch of ankle biters into this life, just that we need to prepare. Or do I need to remind you about the last part of the turtle's prophecy?" Roshi countered. Han's face fell slightly.

"Unless the final battle can be averted, the moon will fall from the sky and the earth shall rise up to meet it. The oceans will boil and the mountains will fall. The nine shall be united, and one will be chosen. Three are ready, two are waiting, and four have yet to come…" Han recited. "How long do you think it will take us to get to Mizu no Kuni?" Roshi gave him a devilish grin.

"Not long…" Roshi said. The red haired man put his hands behind his back and made about forty seals. Han suddenly seemed very anxious.

"What are you..ahhhhhhh!" Han shrieked as a dome of earth surrounded the duo. Roshi gave him a sharp chop to the neck.

"Sorry Han, we'll get there much faster in the lava taxi than by boat. Sleep tight…" Roshi said to his unconscious companion. The lava user raised his hands and slammed them back down onto the earthen floor of the rock sphere. Magma burst from the earth and surrounded the sphere, only to recede and leave a flat, glassy mountain top.

**Wow. I'm not really sure what I wan't to do with this one. Tell me what you think. I'm still working on Team Dropout btw, writer's block sucks. Take it easy yall.**


End file.
